sadlessness

what is love?

I am sure that psychologists have an answer to that question. And I'm just as sure it's a different answer than a poet would give. As in I like to write poems, my views are totally divergent with others.
But somehow or rather, the answer isn't that complex. A burden born by one can often grow too heavy to bear. Maybe, in the end, each of us knows that sharing our pain is the only way we can live with the pain. And that's really what each of these poignantly sad poems are about - sharing. :)

I must admit that I have often thought
of leaving it all behind and letting everything go
I was lost and alone, as I always am,
So many people around me,
Yet no one seems to care.

They say they understand and love me very much,
But just when I Trust to love, they forget and move on.
I held the knife so close
as tears, mixed with blood,
Began to fall slowly.
Like a foolish child I cried.

Knowing that I could end it all now
made my mind draw a blank.
I put the knife away and tried to wipe the blood,
that ran faster than I can describe.

I knew suicide wasn't the answer I was looking for.
I knew there was a reason for me being alone.
So many bad things happening at once -
They can make you forget
About the good qualities of life.

Even though life is hard,
and trouble an inevitable part of it.
If you decide to leave it all behind,
maybe you will,
but I can guarantee that others 

Your mistake will haunt 

But then,

Walk with me, the path of life,
to explore every bend of the road
Enjoy with me the beauty of life,
along its wonderful way

Find comfort with me, in each other's arms,
when grief crosses our path
Find strength with me, in each other's strength,
when despair lies in wait

Laugh with me, a single true laugh,
to enlighten another's distress
Cry with me, a single true tear,
to understand true happiness

Cherish with me, the wonders of life,
as they need to be preserved
Rejoice with me, in the mysteries,
of what is yet to be

Find peace with me, in each other's souls,
when the world has gone insane
Find love with me, in each other's hearts,
until this life has been fulfilled

And when the path comes to an end
I hope we can say from within
We've known the beauty of true love,
our love came from within

And I'm glad to end the year of 2010 with love after all. 

:)

puan jamilah.

abang suara macho : 'permohonan adik tidak dapat diterima'.

budak uitm yg mengharapkan nak dapat sambung law, tp sbb muet band 3, pergi mintak uia : *terkejut, tersentap* 'ape dia?'

abang suara macho : 'adik ni dari sarawak kan? nur aziemah abdul amit?'

budak uitm yg mengharapkan nak dapat sambung law, tp sbb muet band 3, pergi mintak uia : 'ha ah, saya' 

abang suara macho : 'permohonan adik tidak dapat diterima, nanti abang sambungkan dgn Pn. *x ingat dah nama dia ape* untuk keterangan lanjut. 

*tangan dah menggeletar dah sebab cuak campur kecewa campur terpinga pinga*

budak uitm yg mengharapkan nak dapat sambung law, tp sbb muet band 3, pergi mintak uia : 'hello salam. ye, saya nak tanya pasal status permohonan saya.'

Puan Jamilah*bukan nama sebenar* : 'adik punya cgpa 3.48 kan? minimum 3.5 dik. sebab tu xdapat, kalau nak buat rayuan boleh, cuma takut nanti jawapan dia sama.

budak uitm yg mengharapkan nak dapat sambung law, tp sbb muet band 3, pergi mintak uia : 'tapi xde plak dalam requirement dia nak 3.5 untuk cgpa puan.dalam website IIUM pun nak 3.0 minimum, macam mana puan boleh cakap minimum dia 3.5, saya apply untuk law puan, bukan medic.'

Puan Jamilah *nama betul ni x silap laa. tetiba teringat balik* : *tetiba gelak. mana entah lawaknya*'itulah, kami pun terpaksa buat keputusan macam ni sebab terlalu ramai permohonan, jadi kena pendekkan list permohonan tu.'

budak uitm yg mengharapkan nak dapat sambung law, tp sbb muet band 3, pergi mintak uia : *dengan perasaan bercampur baur* ' baiklah puan terima kasih. assalamualaikum.'

sabar sabar sabar. Allah tarik satu perkara yang hamba Dia nak, insya Allah Dia akan gantikan dengan yang lebih baik. amin amin amin :')

clef and key.

when everybody starts to grow up

they tend to be an asshole

well, you dont have to tell me and show up,

cause you just come and give me a hassle.

dear love, if im not written in your wish list

will you be mine when the winner sleeps?

can i be in your way for a while?

can i get in the back seat and hide? 

love, im ten thousand miles from you.

my sky is black when yours is blue

and you just steal my broken faith

and put it together back again.

youre cheating on weather with me.

now honey, i sing a song that i wrote for you

put a hundred melodies that sound so blue

will you stop steal the rain from me 

that washed it all together

cause i love you just like fever gone cold

but baby,

i've got doubts i cant even count

i've got songs that stall when i start

i've got nightmares about waking up

i've got leaders i never consult

i've got a wintering heart in a lead cup

i've got black bones wrinkling

i've got walls, and walls, and walls

i've got friends i only insult

i've got so many people i need to call

i've got no good news and a fatal disease

i've got true things that come back corrupt

i've got bad manners, i never say please.

so, its up to you now.

because this place is starting to fill up with smoke

you wont let me breath in or out.

so i resolve to cut my throat.

cause when the faithless eulogy is done,

i cant keep you down,

no one can.

and i hope to see the bones beneath the stare of your eyes the day i die. 

feeling of a song

instructions;

• Put your itunes or iPod on shuffles.
• For each question, press the next button and the title of the song is your answer.
• You must write the song name down, no matter how silly it sounds.
• Put any comments in (bracket) after the song name.

Let's start it,

Describe yourself.

somebody to love. (errr. okay)

What do people feel when they're around you?

billionaire. (damn im RICH :D)

Describe your current relationship.

need you now. ( this game is going to hurt me. =.=" )

Where would you like to be now?

chasing cars. ( errrr. HAHA. )

How do you feel about love?

my love will get you home. (i WISH.)

What is your life like?

mercy. ( yes. i need the angle of mercy. cause my life isnt doing good to me lately. )

What would you wish for if you only had one wish?

secrets. ( i want to know the secrets of each and everyone that i love. yeahh x) )

Say something wise.

like a g6. ( that is so not WISE enough. :D )

How would you describe yourself?

no other. ( THATS TRUE. there is aint no other like me. NEVER :)) )

What do you look for in a guy?

just the way you are. ( i just want the one to be himself. dont ever try to be perfect yea. i am perfectly imperfect. so i dont mind :) )

How do you feel today?

lolli pop that body. ( sounds very wierd. HEHE )

What's your life purpose?

breakeven. (i'll make sure that when i broke up, the heart will breakeven. NOT. =.=" )

What is your motto?

heartbeat. ( yea. continue to live even if the baddest thing will happen. as long as i have my own heartbeat )

What do your friends think of you?

just a dream. ( im their nightmare. damn )

What do your parents think of you?

rock star 101 ( i know, mom, dad. HAHA. )

What do you think about very often?

never gone. ( in my heart is where you are, even if you always fart when youre calling me, on the phone. :'D )

What do you think about your best friends?

for the first time. ( yes. with you girl, everything is the first time. :') )

What do you think about the person you like?

misery. ( he IS. kentut je memanjang x) *okay xde point. i miss you laa gilaa. )

What is your life story?

everywhere i go. ( life begins every place i that i go)

What do you want to be when you grow up?

terrified. ( of being a bad person? yes.)

What do you think of when you see the person you like?

something more. ( it should be a sad song, but when it comes to this question, it sounds very WRONG. :DD )

What will you dance to at your wedding?

stay the night. ( this is a cool song. i wanna have this at my wedding. :))) )

What will play at your funeral?

speak now. ( how could they ask me to speak. im DEAD. =.=" )

Biggest fear.

please dont go. ( well, i had face my biggest fear. the one that i love had run away from me. )

Biggest secrets.

i never told you. ( yeah, i will never tell my biggest secrets to anyone. HEE.)

hello goodbye

a day after revelation. this feeling that i had for about a day, is SO FREAKING GREAT man! cant you see the SMILE WIDE BIG AND SHINY smile on my face??? x) like seriously i got it for my third sem? *sem tiga aku ni macam ni, aku tinggal kawan, ade pakwe, gadoh, dahtu break, budak remaja punya masalah lagi, blaja? jangan harap, g kelas macam kelas tu aku yg bayar lecturer bebel kat depan*  unbelievable? believe it DUDE. HEE. well, yesterday, i had so much fun with my sister and Keyda. after all, the nervousness and anxiety to know what i had achieved spoiled it. im stuck in this so called traffic jammed on my way to home *ape ke benda laaaa buat road block tengah tengah nak naik bukit, ingat semua bawak keta salon kaler hijau ke?* then, come to think about it, i have been sitting front of my usable laptop *padahal mouse keyboard semua dah external. =.="* for about 5 hours! haiyo nakkk. penantian satu penyeksaan. ngehh. thennn, after exchanging messages to some of friends that had known their result, i clicked! TADAAAAAAAAA! baik punyaaaaaaa weiiiiii! YA ALLAH. greatest challenge, test from You. i keep on asking Him not to letting me forget Him because of this great achievement. *sudah sudah lah tersesat nye aziemah* then, i logged in my fb account. apparently, i saw tremendous tremendous and LOTS of people praises to Allah for their achievement. sounds they had good result, and i wonder, wheres others? *memang lah budak result bagus o9, HEE. yg okay x okay tu, down ar kat rumah* but i will never beat my superman, DAD, i know you got 3.89999999 for your cgpa. haihhh. cannt challenge lerrrr x)  HEEE. well, i've made this promise with my late friend, *kawan aku banyak yang dah xde. macam kawan kawan kepada kawan aku jugak* i will get 3.7 for this sem, *memang xlah kannnnn* still i can be proud with my result. :) thank you for that support but im sorry i didnt fulfill your promises, * pernah keee? haaaaa* so, overall, ade member yang sedih, down, happy, dah dapat gift daaaaa, :) but me? im still here. :) with my life, lovers. without them, dapat 4 flat pun, i dont think i can be as happy as now. :) 

till then, HELLO KL *for about 2 3 more weeks and BYE BYE UiTM for EVER  :)

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fragile

this time, i just HATE love stories. i just DONT like romantic songs. it reminds me how MISERABLE my love life was. at certain point, i really want to fix it. apparently, i screwed. 

i did fix the ring, but i can't fix the thing. i am sorry. :| 

happy

i just want you to be happy. 

without me. you are great. okay? 

be strong :"D

sing and song

its raining. as if the day can feel the sadness. uishh. memang menganjing. these few days, im kinda having an so called insomnia. waking up in the middle of night, trying to get back to sleep, but obviously i cant. feeling very deep sorrow and hole in my heart. i wonder what is happening to me. x best la feeling ni. however, there is always things that calm me down. give me strength, and make me feel better every single night. thank god. :)  if i just realize what i didnt. and looking at you, enjoying and love the way i lie. which one should i regret more, i lied, or i blind?  BIG question over there. even i cant bear to hear the radio cause every single songs that i heard, i vividly imagining things that i have been through and relate it to the songs. crap! if there is no life after you, then what life am i going through now? ntah pape la lagu Daughtry ni. my mom always said that, appreciate things front of you. dont think too much about the past. but mom, its the past that created me now. then, 'adek, there is a reason why people in our past do not appear in our present. just wait and see the hikmah'. i wonder why, how, and when i could see it. maybe im giving you too many exception in my life. as such, being the first of so many things in my life. well i cant take it back right? keep it je lah.

but when i heard the song of asking me to fight for the love, it makes me think, just so you know, that youre not alone in this thing, and there is always a part of my heart that you can call home. but why am i feel this way? alone, homeless in anyone's heart? i know why. ive been thinking too much of the sadness rather than cherish great moments and life that i have now. even the club cant handle me right now. watching you watching me i go all out. i do go all out when it comes to this matter, still it doesnt work. i my self cannot stop from thinking of this, after few days came back home, the history of foundation at Kuantan is stick in my mind like glue. dont ask me to forget, cause i dont want to. i had made so much promises that i couldnt remember each and every of it. simply because, i know thats what you wanted to hear. i promise this, promise that, to forget this, forget that, stop doing this, doing that. but we both forget to promise this. love each other until the end of our life, till the last breath of mine. i think we did, but its not being highlighted and written BIG enough in our head. maybe its just me. its only me. you sacrifice a lot, i mean, A LOTTT. i knew that all along. from the beginning of our story, until now. that is why its time for you to think to sacrifice for your self. okay? i cant stop blaming myself. haih. ntah sampai ble. maybe until i can see the happiness in yours. :) haa. now that can makes me happy. :)

maafkan saya. maafkan salah silap saya. maafkan segala kelakuan tutur kata, terasa hati, kesedihan yang dah dialami. jadilah muslim yang soleh. ajal maut xkenal siapa, masa, dan tempat. jadilah yang terbaik dunia akhirat. pastinya mendapat yang terindah kelak. selamat berjuang sahabat. :) *sambil bercakap depan cermin*

i pledge

i pledge to be a better person.

i pledge to be more sincere to myself, to the love ones, and to you.

i pledge to not to make the same stupid mistakes ever again.

i pledge to live for Him. 

*sounds easy, very simple to type in, but thats what im gonna do starting from now * 

its been like years i didnt update my blog. well, this is the new one since i forgot my previous password. haish. friend, i really do had a rough long dirty harsh sorrow time and everything in between for almost 2 straight months.pfft. teenage dream konon. thats not happening to me obviously. i really want to explain more in details about what i have been through for that particular period of time. but i just dont know how to start. so, the best solution is, i will update it in my blog here. one of the best medium to express yourself. right? 

honesty is the best policy. i cant agree more on that.  im not being honest to myself, and to others. and it hurts so bad. i know. im not blaming others. its all my fault anyway. but then, it is true that being honest is what people really want? or they just want to hear things that they want to? or they dont really matters about what they will hear, but what they really care about is  me being nice all the time? or even they just being sick of me doing things that they dont like? its like im living for them! god. what a great influence they are to me and how stupid i am being lock up by their words, view, and thoughts. im tough but im weak. i am well-made but strongly infirm. i can t blame them. ive made my decision. and its done. so i have to face the circumstances. enough of others. lets talk about something else. im having quite bad luck in my love life. i can guarantee that. decide. choose. think. right? wrong? good? bad? one thing that i had from all these questionable answer, alone. hmmm. no matter how close you are, how many friends you have, at the end, you will be alone, you'll die alone, you'll sleep alone, you'll nag, talk, seat, pee, alone. its all about you making decision, not you doing the right thing. and i have learned from that mistakes. it hurts man. so bad. i can sure you that. no one knows how i feel, what i think, who i wanted to be with. people may feel that they know, but they didnt really feel the pain. i dont even know thats in their mind either. but what i know is that, im hurting them. im so sorry, deeply sorry, truly sorry friend.

im not good at giving an advice to people, but from what ive been through, be honest, be yourself, be selfish. be brave, be tough. friend. let me give you an example, you want to drink, but you hate water, so you eat, but then youre not hungry, you are full even. how? confuse right? thats me. confusion is the best word to describe myself. i wonder how people can get out from a situation of choosing Ferrari or Audi V8. i need to choose either one, neither both, nor none. can you get that? still, i choose not to choose. again, BIG MISTAKE written right above my head. pfft. i didnt choose but i tend to act like it. and it hurts him a lot. i noticed. look, hear this buddy, i am so messed up. and i make mistakes. i dont think straight. i dont think twice. im reckless. but it doesnt mean that i do it purposely. technically yes, but its not. okay. urghh. im just tired of being someone else that i dont. great. now i didnt even know myself. 

thank god it happened. it makes me think. at last, and at least. its continue. :)